I HATE HAVING ZERO MONEY, IT’S BEEN A WEEK OF ZERO NADA NOTHING, I COLLECTED A DOLLAR IN CHANGE FOR GAS SO I CAN GET TO WORK TOMORROW HA HA HA KILL MEEEEEEEE I’M A BUM!!!! AND TO TOP IT OFF I’M GETTING PAID UNDER THE TABLE UNDER PAID ONLY 3 HOURS A DAY KILL ME I’M SCARED.
Just went to Appalacheecola park, dunno how to spell, but it was so fun, walked like 5 miles, had to climb and walk around cliffs and then went swimming in this huge ass river, so so nice. Now friends are making tacos and I’m excited. Going to the beach tomorrow, happy to do things like this on my days off ^.^ Everything is going grape grape grape except that I have no money but should get $100 on Monday (hopefully) yay. Wish me luck.
The only time I left my dirty, moldy, one room apartment was to go to work. I washed dishes for a Mexican restaurant that underpaid me because they could and I couldn’t do better. My boyfriend, Jake, dumped me after four years of pathetic dependency for this red-head who’d been flirting with him at the bar since forever. She would buy him drinks and pool games all night and I would watch and smile. With Jake came the territory of most of our friends. I would get home to Pizza, my cat, and watch shitty movies and eat too much food I couldn’t afford and drink too many beers I definitely couldn’t afford and go to sleep. Decided to go out to the bar because I hated myself.
We used to all go to the bar together every night because why not. Would see familiar faces and new ones and just be social like humans are supposed to be. I hadn’t been in a month or two or three. Went through my stupid clothes I hadn’t worn in forever and tried to pick something that would make me feel appealing enough to the point where I didn’t want to cry while I was there. Finally picked some dress thing out and plopped it on. It was all black and casual. I chugged a four pack and called my friend James. I asked him to meet me at the bar and he said he was already there and looking forward to seeing me. I felt uncomfortable about it but drunked myself up to where who cares.
After a ten minute walk, I got to the large, hole in the wall bar. Crowds were outside smoking cigarettes and I pulled out my pack and joined them. James was one of them. The look on his face when he saw me made me feel weird. So much happiness and worry.
“Sasha, you have no idea how happy I am that you showed up” he said.
“Yeah, it’s nice to see you.”
“I’ve tried calling you, what have you been up to?”
“Oh you know, just hanging around, having a blast.”
“Have you talked to Jake?” he took a dramatic puff of his Newport.
“Nope, haven’t talked to him since he dumped me,” I tried to scan around the scene and look for his half bleached hair.
“He’s inside, just so you know. He’s with Montana,” he looked at me for a reaction and seemed disappointed when he didn’t get one.
“Cool, I’ll probably head in there in a sec to get a beer.”
“Oh, okay. Do you want me to go with you?”
“I’m okay,” I threw my cigarette into the ash tray and walked inside.
I went straight to the bar that was mildly crowded with older twenty-somethings. They sipped their drinks and carried on with their words that made them smile so big.
Having no responsibilities is the best feeling ever to be felt, wowza! Woke up to a Jenna and Jamie and Tarek came in and took us to free comic book day and I got 15 free guys! And now Tarek’s making nummy tacoz for everyone yeeeeee. Also I’m probs going to New Orleans sometime this week ooooyaaaaboiiiiii, I am real scared about grade stuffs but ya know what can ya do hehehehe!!!!! I gotta figure out a weekend or two to go down to Dray, OI, the drive makes me wanna puke. I don’t know that’s it, I wanna be an all star pool player/mario party player. 8-)
I really wish I could experience all the things I love for the first time again.
So burnt out. Have almost 5 full pages written and need 3-5 more.
The Sun Also Rises and Gender Roles
The 1926 novel The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemmingway is a book that hones in on the concepts of male insecurity after war and gender in society. Brett, one of the main characters, is predominantly masculine in gender and represents the “modern woman”. She wears her hair short and “pulled back like a man”, wears men’s clothing, has a promiscuous sex life that she will not apologize for, drinks heavily, is emotionally distant, and has a dominant, independent and assertive personality. In the 19th century, these attributes would be unappealing for they completely denied societal gender roles. Now in Hemmingway’s 20th century after a war that essentially feminized men, these attributes are more appealing and help dissipate societal gender roles that often restrict people from self-actualization. Hemmingway reforms former gender roles by showing that this new, modern, and masculine woman is capable of being loved and desired by men, but in this process he supports the dualistic system of gender.
Jake, the main character and point of view of The Sun Also Rises is the most compelling example of the lost generation and the futility of his life decisions. World War I completely undermined morality, faith, and justice and de-romanticized their now appearingly meaningless life. World War I questioned the basis of masculinity as men entered the war with expectations to be inherently brave and found that they would instead be scared and attempting to rely on luck rather than bravery to survive. Jake is more symbolic in his feminization from the war in that he returned impotent, so literally losing what defines him as a man. This creates troubles for him in that Brett, the woman he is in love with, will not be with him for that reason. In Jake’s loss of masculinity, he attempts to make up make up for with external factors. “To make money and to circulate it, rather than to possess a valued object, allows Jake to imagine himself as a fully realized male and an agent of U.S. economic power, in control of the modernizing marketplaces he inhabits” (Leland). This economical stance to manhood is intriguing in that we have been able to see throughout history a sort of masculinity with monetary power. This is obvious because power in any sort deems a more dominant and therefore masculine personality and money can certainly give one power and influence. It’s interesting though the fact that Jake is actually proving his own masculinity by not necessarily using his money on things which would be the classic example, but by circulating his money and proving to himself that he is a value to society. “He divides the objects of advertising into “tourists” and “people going to work,” and locates himself firmly in the second category. This opposition defines tourists as people who do not go to work, writing Jake Barnes’s time, place, and role in Paris in economic terms. As a working person, lake is a full-fledged member of the Parisian economy with a stake in both ‘ends of the circulation of money and commodities. In “going to work,” Jake makes money in Europe that he will spend there, which classifies him as an expatriate writer and not a tourist.” (Leland). His job and the way he utilizes his job excuse, in his mind, his femininity from World War I. This isn’t to say that Jake does not spend his money frugally. “Jake’s expenditures point directly to his class; his tips and choices support a service economy in the countries he travels through. He spends money not to get things but to establish his social position, to define his relationships with other people” Jake is a social spender and doesn’t buy the things that he sees on the sides of the streets in Paris because he merely sees no value in them. He sees value in things like eating out with friends, getting drinks, and other socially redeemable things. This proves that Jake is not spending money for the sake of merely indulging in things, but for other people to see and to validate him as a person and more deeper, him as a man who can support himself and others. “Constructing a masculine identity from these economic priorities is more complicated in Jake Barnes’s case than in most, though; his project includes compensating (to borrow Donaldson’s term) for his sexual disability.” (Leland), Jake is unique when it comes to masculinity because of his impotence and sets him apart from the other characters who all have problems with defending their masculinity. A very obvious example of Jake’s paying for his masculinity is when he pays to have Georgette go home alone, “Jake pays money to go home with Brett rather than Georgette. Deflected sexuality is common to all participants in the switch at the end of the night, but only Jake uses hard currency to mask his deflection; this is not an equivalence, fundamental or otherwise. Just as queerness is fundamentally different from injury and amputation, dancing with a woman is fundamentally different from paying one to go home alone.” (Leland). Jake’s friends also embody this lack of and fear of masculinity. They constantly bully and mock Cohn for doing what is societally deemed as unmanly, for example, following Brett around. Again, this is clearly a result of their experiences with World War I. World War I is a part of this industrial revolution which constructed the feminization of Jake and the masculinity of Brett. In her essay, “Sexual Transformations”, Gayle Rubin describes the effect of industrialization on sex as she writes “In spite of many continuities with ancestral forms, modern sexual arrangements have a distinctive character which sets them apart from preexisting systems. In Western Europe and the United States, industrialization and urbanization reshaped the traditional rural and peasant populations into a new urban industrial and service workforce. It generated new forms of state apparatus, reorganized family relations, altered gender roles, and made possible new forms of identity, produced new varieties of social inequality, and created new formats for political and ideological conflict. It also gave rise to a new sexual system characterized by distinct types of sexual persons, populations, stratification, and political conflict.” (Rubin, 889) Brett served in World War I as a nurse and Jake as a soldier. This experience forced them to lose their values of morality, faith, and justice and therefore allowed them to surpass the societal expectations of gender roles. Another example of this is the fact that Robert and Romero both wanted to feminize Brett and “make her into an honest woman” (Hemingway 181), this having to do with how they were brought to assume women ought to be. Brett however, masculine in nature, is unwilling to compromise her sexuality and her general masculinity for these suitors and leaves them.
Hemingway perpetuates these societal gender roles and the gender binary system. Although he does write about modern people defying societal gender roles, he also makes these characters suffer and become misunderstood. Brett is a great example of this because although she is illuminating in the image of modernization of gender, Hemingway shows her to be a threatening and dangerous character because of her masculinity, leaving these men helpless and heart-broken. Although the friendship between Brett and Jake demonstrates the change in gender roles, we see that in the end these characters can’t work out which demonstrates Hemingway’s discomfort with this change.
In summation, in The Sun Also Rises Hemingway perpetuates a binary gender system by creating a character that defies gender norms and making her a threat to men. He abuses her sexuality and independence and forces these things to become masculine traits when in reality they are gender neutral. This is not to say that the novel was not ahead of its time creating a character like Brett. In the 1920’s, unfortunately women and men were not generally comfortable with extending past gender norms and this novel did have a wide ranging effect on the desirability of pursuing self-proclaimed gender rather than society continuing to enforce and limit people into a binary gender system. Brett’s masculinity
It was a holiday to celebrate!
A gratuitous occasion!
I was granted gifts of
4-packs of fun and
20-packs of death,
oh the happiness
I jumped into the twisty-turny
pool of poison, it was
everything in it’s right place.
Fun juice makes the floor rumble
with dancing feet
and falling faces,
fun juice makes the day okay.
It fades and fades
oh it fades so well
into black, into sleep,
into a morning
where it hurts too much
to not do it again.
What great gifts
that were given to me.
She was apathetic as a swing
who only rocks with the wind,
but her face was a garden
of red tulips and
white casablanca lilies.
She sat on the concrete stairs
that led to my home
and she gazed away
with only a puff of smoke
emitting from her
plain, peach lips.
I asked her what
she wanted in life
and she told me
I can’t expect more
than a vague reply.
I asked her why she
was so sad
and all she said
was how could
she not be.
Her frown was a book
that never ended -
that I couldn’t stop reading,
but to her a shadow
her candle couldn’t
At the Graveyard
The trees create a canopy
of spanish moss
shading us as we
sit on the tomb of
a man named
the ninth of October
He talks about his fear
while he smokes
and drinks beer
and I think about
his haircut looks
and pull out
from his beard.
We walk around
the holy grounds
with our skeptic
litter the sanctuary
with our footsteps.
It’s not fair.
We don’t belong.
He stops me near
a tiny grave,
all it says is
He tells me he
doesn’t want to be
I sit down
on the infant grave
and I smoke
and watch the
onto my legs,
the final ember
so red and bright
burning my knee
I’d usually be spending my time around The Fire in the backyard drinking myself to death, but today I felt crazy and needed some space. I went to my park and sat on a bench, sober as hell, and tried to think about things. Last night my boyfriend dumped me. His name’s Jasper. He tells me I get passive-aggressive and immature and stupid every time I drink. I looked at this big tree that shaded the entire park with purple flowers that drooped like tinsel and thought about how dumb he was. I decided to go out and talk to strangers.
It was a Wednesday night. That meant whiskey. I went to a bar with cliché whiskey specials and flirted with boys and some of them were even cute. One in particular asked me to go around the building and make out with him. I was quite flattered and his lips were so soft. Softest lips my lips have touched maybe. First lips my lips had touched after Jasper. It exhilarated me. Made me feel free of the burden of him and his average lips.
“You have very nice lips,” I told him
“Thank you, I enjoy your lips too!”
“What’s your dumb phone number so I can call you, maybe later or maybe tomorrow?”
“Let me see your phone,” Softie tried with much hesitancy to pick the right numbers with his shaking fingers.
“Thanks, goodbye!” I ran out of the alley and found my friends. They were drunk as hell.
“I made out with a cutie, guys!”
“Oh yay!” they all said together.
“Let’s leave, let’s go, I want cheap alcohol, let’s scram.” We ended up at somewhere I don’t know and drank with people I don’t know and it was fun. Softie called me and begged for me to come over but jeez louise I was about to pass out for gosh sakes.
Next day I spent the whole day with Soft Lips. We went to the pool and he talked about literature. Twenty-eight and still hadn’t finished undergrad. Bukowski really intrigued him, I guess.
“I just love his style, I love what he did for literature,” he told me.
“Fante though, he was the real guy who did the real stuff for literature, you know?” I told him.
“No way, Bukowski’s the one” he said as he splashed me with water.
It was probably around three o’clock in the afternoon and I was feeling a little toasty. The sun made me extra sleepy too, it was no good. I wanted an upper.
“I feel tired, mister.”
“Oh, no way, let’s make you not tired!” He was so excited.
“Okay, make me not tired, please.”
“You need to come with me.”
“I will come.”
We ended up going back to his house and snorting coke. It was not good coke and I barely felt it and he told me it was the best coke but it was not good at all. I wanted to cry but I really just wanted to do more. I only got about three lines before it was all gone.
“I’m still tired” I cried at him.
“I’m sorry, come with me.”
“I will come.”
I ended up naked in his bed. We were banging and he kept saying “you’re too pretty for me” and “god, you’re too pretty for me” and “you’re too damn pretty for me”. It was real strange cause I wasn’t too pretty for him and also Jasper never said stuff like that. He was really drunk.
After banging, Softy told me he had some meth. I’d never done meth and never wanted to do meth but his lips were so soft and he thought I should. It was a real big problem you see, I’m afraid of needles and sensitive skin areas, but he really wanted me to inject this stuff so I tried my damndest to toughen up and not care even though I did. He did it all himself, put some shirt or something around my arm and cut off my damn circulation, oh god that was bad enough, and then the fool started tapping on my poor, sensitive vein, it was so horrible. Then he stuck the needle in there. It went right in. I could feel the liquid zoom through my body, it was amazing! My new liquid courage.
“Thank you, so much, I feel not tired!” I said.
“I knew you would like it, everyone loves it, it’s great, it really is, I have more if we want, too!”
“Oh how wonderful!”
“I like you, a lot, you know”
“Oh, how wonderful!”
I felt on top of the world and called Jasper. I told him I was done with drinking forever, didn’t need it no way no how, didn’t even want it and that I missed his lovely self so much, so much. He found this enlightening I suppose, perhaps not as enlightening as I did but wow I was ready to run or clean. Jasper said something about “tomorrow, let’s see each other tomorrow”, I started to feel like he didn’t care and that irked me.
I asked Softie if he wanted to run down the street. He said he wanted to pogo stick down the street. He was apparently renown for his pogoing. He let me borrow an extra because every pogo-star has an extra and we started hopping. My balance fell short but I wanted to go fast. I would fall and get back up in a flash and he would hop on down on one foot and jump on and off curbs and hop around me in circles. He really was very good.
“Are you going to do anything with your pogo-ing?” I asked
“I don’t know, I really do it just for hobby, but I’ve thought about making a career out of it”
Jasper drove by then as we were pogo-ing on the street and he stopped his car.
“Since when do you pogo, Ev?” He asked me.
“I’ve pogo-ed now and then.”
“What are you doing? How do you know Chris?”
“Oh well, he’s my friend from the bar. He told me he could teach me how to pogo so here I am,” Jasper’s face looked confused but I couldn’t tell really.
“Come with me,” he was so damn serious and I hated him.
“Okay,” I got in his car and he zoomed away. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Chris pogo-ing back home.
Jasper found out that I banged Soft Lips, I don’t know how, but he got quite jealous. He started telling me that he wasn’t over me, but he was the one who dumped me! It was fishy. He wanted me to not be over him. Selfish guy.
“I want you to be with me please,” he said.
“I want to be with you too, but you are a jerk and I don’t want to be with you” I told him. He looked up to me with his sad, green eyes.
“Do you have a cigarette?”
“Yep,” I handed the worm a cigarette and kissed him on the cheek.
First night I met Jasper he skated up to a friend’s house shirtless and drunk, thinking he was Mr. Cool Guy. Kept trying to impress me by doing front flips and telling me he got a perfect score on his SAT reading. I told him that was five years ago. At the end of the night he asked me if Hayden would be mad if he asked for my number to play “Magic: the Gathering” sometime. I said no and Hayden stormed off. I knew Jasper didn’t just want to play Magic. I ended up luring him to go to this coffee shop. I wanted to see this guy Codee who worked there. He was such a babe. It was six in the morning when we were leaving and Jasper tried to convince me to go to the store since they started selling again. Fucking fiend. I ended up dropping him off and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I laughed it off and didn’t give it much thought.
Jasper and I have had loads of issues. We weren’t really dating “officially” or whatever for a while. Lots of polyfuckery as he likes to call it. First month I met him we were in his moldy room and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Before we even banged.
I went out of town for a weekend and he ended up doing sexy times with his ex-girlfriend. A week later she was at his house and me and him walked up. “Surprised it only took a week to show up after we fucked.” The stupid slut couldn’t say anything else. She was talking about scabies. We had just gotten back from the store getting the cure for it.
“When did we last fuck?” stupid Jasper asked pretending to be an innocent asshole. The girl explained, with a big smile on her face, that Jasper had banged her out with happiness the other weekend. I slept with him that night anyways.
A couple weeks later it was Halloween and he wasn’t responding to my calls. The next night he came up to me all serious telling me he “friend-fucked” some girl I didn’t know. If I ever did anything to him, he’d kill me!
The Fire had become our new home. Something to do with the weather and the circular seating. Woke up yesterday morning to a bunch of hooligans drinking away their drunk from the previous night. All around the fire. I decided fuck it and cracked open a can of leftover PBR. Jasper hates when I get a head start. He forced himself to join in.
Jasper and I were soaring through skies of drunk yesterday by the time the sun had set. It was a great time, it really was, but then some girls showed up. Some of them he’d banged before and whenever I got drunk I got upset that he’d banged anyone else at all. I screamed at him and he walked away from me. Finally he came up to me while I was about to drunk drive home and told me it wasn’t working out, that I’m too much of a piece of shit drunk for it to ever work out. I cried my car home.
Jasper now took me back to his house where people were drinking around the fire. I still felt insane and energetic and confident as hell. I started sneaking beers from the fridge because I could get away with it and be sly. It was easy! I got one of my piece of shit drunk friends to help me out too. She’d sneak me sips of her beer when Jasper wasn’t looking because she knows we all need it, really.
“Jasper come here!” I commanded.
“I love you,” I said with a sweet smile and a wink.
“Are you fucking drunk?”
“No?! What’s wrong with you, I’m so, so done with alcohols!”
“You drive me so fucking insane, have your new fucking boyfriend pick you up and leave!”
I thought it rather rash and felt as though I could not move well but I called Softie and I said “hey softie it’s me please scoop me up!” and he said “who are you?” and I said “pick me up on your pogo!” and he said “who is this?” and I said “who the fuck are you?” and he hungup.
I don’t really remember what happened after that. I remember crying at a gas station because it was 2:30 AM and people were very concerned who just wanted to fill up their gas tanks or buy their lotto tickets but I was crying because I couldn’t buy more beer because I needed it. I remember someone telling me I had to leave but I do not remember who that was and it’s a good thing too because I’m very mad at whoever that was. I left and that was all I can remember.
I woke up to excruciatingly bright sunlight and purple flowers all around and on top of me. My body ached. There were kids being swung by their mothers who kept their eyes on me at all times and there was a dog who ran up to me. It smelled me and became very disinterested and ran away. I don’t like dogs.
I got up and started walking. I saw a gas station ahead and decided to stop in and get a four pack of PBR and some cigarettes. I drank them all and smoked half of my pack behind the gas station and decided to go to Jasper’s. When I got to the broken house with beer cans decorating the front yard I walked inside the always unlocked door. A bunch of humans flooded the floor of the living room and I danced over them to get to Jasper’s room. When I opened the door with spray paint displaying the words “Scabe Cave”, I found Jasper and another girl entwined and asleep in his bed. I nudged him awake.
“I wanna talk to you, Jasper,” I said. He stared at me for a long while trying to figure out what I was doing standing at his bedside.
“You have a purple flower in your hair.”
“Can I talk to you for a second?” Jasper lumped himself up. Noticed that there was another girl in his bed and gave me his guilt face. We walked outside and sat around the pile of ash where the fire would normally be.
“I’m not gonna stop drinking just like you wouldn’t. But I can try to be better for you. I won’t fight with you anymore, I promise,” I said.
“Do you want a cigarette?” he took one and got up. Brought back some logs of wood and lit them on fire. We sat there in silence for a while until we’d both finished our cigarettes.
“Why would you fuck Chris?” He asked.
“He had soft lips.”
“Did you like it?”
“Oh absolutely not, it was horrid, Jasper”
“He was just so horrid, Jasper.”
“Would you ever fuck him again?”
“Oh god, no, Jasper, he was so horrid”
“Okay, let’s go get this girl out of my bed.” We got up and stood close to the fire. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and flicked away the flower that was in my hair. I watched it fall into the fire. The petals burned so quickly and eventually there was nothing left of it. I followed Jasper into the house and grabbed a beer from his fridge.
Eeeeeeeeeek, someone broke into my house this morning! Took my roommate’s laptop, went in my room and opened all my drawers but left my laptop which was in plain sight hmmmm. So strange. Found out my roommates are going home for summer which makes me so happy yay! School’s almost done!!! Gotta finish my 10 pager, edit/finish my fiction story, edit and make new poems, and memorize a poem in German. OH GOD. I’m real happy right now guys :) :) :) !!!! On top of the world!!!!
I’ma stupid idiot, a few hours ago I was trying to get my friend to take me to food cause I felt too drunk, but he had fancy parents weekend food leftovers in his car and I had ONE bite of fish so starting over TOMORROW with stupid VEGETARIANISM. KILL ME cause I’m dumb and forgetfull.